For just being on the Phone.

1) Tech Support : “I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop.”
Customer : “Ok.”
Tech Support : “Did you get a pop-up menu?”
Customer : “No.”
Tech Support : “Ok. Right click again. Do you see a pop-up
menu?”
Customer : “No.”
Tech Support : “Ok, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up
until this point?”
Customer : “Sure, you told me to write ‘click’ and I wrote
‘click’.”

———— ——— ——— ——— -

2) Customer : “I received the software update you sent, but I am still
getting the same error message.”
Tech Support : “Did you install the update?”
Customer : “No. Oh, am I supposed to install it to get it to work?”

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— –

3) Customer : “I’m having trouble installing Microsoft Word.”
Tech Support : “Tell me what you’ve done.”
Customer : “I typed ‘A: SETUP’.”
Tech Support : “Ma’am, remove the disk and tell me what it
says.”
Customer : “It says ‘[PC manufacturer] Restore and Recovery
disk’.”
Tech Support : “Insert the MS Word setup disk.”
Customer : “What?”
Tech Support : “Did you buy MS word?”
Customer : “No…”

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— –

4) Customer : “Do I need a computer to use your software?”
Tech Support : ?!%#$ (welll pretend to smile)

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— –

5) Tech Support : “Ok, in the bottom left hand side of the screen,
can you see the ‘OK’ button displayed?”
Customer : “Wow. How can you see my screen from there?”
Tech support : ##### ***

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— –

6) Tech Support : “What type of computer do you have?”
Customer : “A white one.”
Tech support : ******_____# ###

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— –

7) Tech Support : “What operating system are you running?”
Customer : “Pentium.”
Tech support : ////—–+++
———— ——— ——— ——— ——— –

8) Customer : “My computer’s telling me I performed an illegal
abortion.”
Tech support :

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— –

9) Customer : “I have Microsoft Exploder.”
Tech Support : ?!%#$
———— ——— ——— ——— ——— –

10) Customer : “How do I print my voicemail?”
Tech support :

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— –

11) Customer : “You’ve got to fix my computer. I urgently need to
print document, but the computer won’t boot properly.”

Tech Support : “What does it say?”
Customer : “Something about an error and non-system disk.”
Tech Support : “Look at your machine. Is there a floppy
inside?”
Customer : “No, but there’s a sticker saying there’s an Intel
inside.”
Tech support : @@@@@
———— ——— ——— ——— ——— –

12) Tech Support: “Just call us back if there’s a problem. We’re open
24 hours.”
Customer : “Is that Eastern time?”

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— –

13) Tech Support : “What does the screen say now?”
Customer : “It says, ‘Hit ENTER when ready’.”
Tech Support : “Well?”
Customer : “How do I know when it’s ready?”
Tech support : *** —- ++++
———— ——— ——— ——— ——— –

The best of the lot

14) A plain computer illiterate guy rings tech support to report that
his computer is faulty.

Tech: What’s the problem?
User: There is smoke coming out of the power supply.
Tech: (keep quite)
Tech: You’ll need a new power supply.
User: No, I don’t! I just need to change the startup files.
Tech: Sir, the power supply is faulty. You’ll need to replace it.
User: No way! Someone told me that I just needed to change the
startup and it will fix the problem! All I need is for you to tell me the
command.
Tech support::

10 minutes later, the User is still adamant that he is right. The
tech is frustrated and fed up.

Tech support::(hush hush)
Tech: Sorry, Sir. We don’t normally tell our customers this, but
there is an undocumented DOS command that will fix the problem.
User: I knew it!
Tech : Just add the line LOAD NOSMOKE.COM at the end of the
CONFIG.SYS. Let me know how it goes.

10 minutes later.

User : It didn’t work. The power supply is still smoking.
Tech : Well, what version of DOS are you using?
User : MS-DOS 6.22.
Tech : That’s your problem there. That version of DOS didn’t
come with NOSMOKE. Contact Microsoft and ask them for a patch that will give you
the file. Let me know how it goes.

1 hour later.

User : I need a new power supply.
Tech support : How did you come to that conclusion?
Tech support : (hush hush)
User : Well, I rang Microsoft and told him about what you said,
and he started asking questions about the make of power supply.
Tech: Then what did he say?
User: He told me that my power supply isn’t compatible with
NOSMOKE.

———— ——— ——— ——— ——— -

Height Of it all (Too Good)

15) Customer : I need a product identification number right now
Customer Care Officer : and may I help u in finding it out?
Cust : sure !!!!
CCO : could u left click on start and do u find ‘My Computer’?
Cust: I did left click but how the hell do I find your
computer?